Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Tonight is my final night in Sacramento before the BIG drive to Maine so of course I woke up feeling a bit ill this morning. I'm feeling pretty much 100% now, but another night on the floor in a strangely cramped sleeping bag might make things worse tomorrow... maybe I'll make a go for the couch tonight.

Everything is packed, all the necessary things I needed to do are done, but I'm left with quite a few optional things that I missed out on. It's funny, you look at the calendar and you think "yeah, I still have time" and then suddenly it's your last day, your rabbi is in a meeting during the only time you have to see him, and that restaurant you had to have just one more time just happens to be closed.

Or, even more stupidly, you close your bank account and then go on to Amazon to download some good albums to burn for the road except you have no debit card to pay for them with. Like I couldn't have done that yesterday.

Everyone wants to know if I'm excited, or wants to talk to me about how exciting what I'm doing is, but I'm completely numb to it. I want to join people in their enthusiasm for me but with all the preparations I've done, all the pin-point planning, all of the time spent just getting ready, I've lost everything but the apprehension of having to deal with the dog in the car and the fear that I'll be spending more time in that car then I planned. I just want to get to Maine and spend time in my empty apartment. As such all my conversations about it have been pretty monosyllabic. It reminds me of the recent death of my grandmother. She was so close to death for so long that it got to the point where I felt she was already dead, and then when it happened it was less of a tragedy and more of a conclusion so I really didn't have anything to say about it anymore. I feel like my move has already happened, I just haven't caught up to it yet so when people say "Aren't you excited?" I'm like, "No, I'm already there".

I feel bad cause I should be excited and I worry that I'm letting people down, or maybe even blowing them off, by not being happy to talk about it. I'm sorry, I just don't have anything to say! I'm moving to Maine, I will be living in Maine, at this point that's the whole story to me. Once I get there, once I have the chance to settle, I expect to get all that emotion and excitement but right now I just want the whole damn thing to be done already.

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